This dating post is talking about old 'adventures' but thought that instead of turning the piece of paper with the old notes into little pieces, I rather use it for publishing on my blog. Sooner or late, I'm sure that someone will resonate with my impressions too.
I always felt that online dating is a sign of terrible failure. It works only for people that in real life are guilty of big social inadequacies, well known for an enormous record of problems - including domestic violence and various religious transgressions - and even though you might gain a match through it sooner or later you will end up single. Better single than the victim of a sociopath and potential murderer.
Anyway, at the time I was in a relatively desperate dating situation. Y. disappeared - apparently for good - among the black hats of who knows what yeshiva in Jerusalem coping with its newly discovered religious fervour and the latest frum match I was into it was in fact one of those irreversible cases of people with a perfect yichus but unacceptable psychological problems, even for a poor BT girl as me, with a complicated yet resourceful enough heritage for writing an interest book about just another Jewish family from Eastern Europe.
As usual, things were getting confused and the perspective of 'for ever alone' was more real than never. In fact, it was a perspective I was pretty ready to accept wholeheartedly. Isn't it better than being heartbroken in the painful other people's process of becoming a better Jew or being tricked by a smiling shadchan from Golders Green?
For the next months I was frantically traveling as often as possible, trying to keep myself away from computers, social media networks and spending instead a lot of time learning, reading, doing some writing and eventually sleeping more than usual, maybe who knows, some answers to my singleton problems will be sent through the Kabbalistic waves of Y.'s new teachers through my dreams. After three months, nothing happened and a dramatic break up with the nice yet unstable frum match - ended up with the delightful observation 'Woman, you are crazy!', guess who's talking - I decided that it is about time to do something until it's not that late. Of course I was still dreaming about that family of mine, some children - not the old magical 10 - and a life immersed in learning and some meaningful trips along the way. Dream on, former little girl, dream on...
I had a look around my shul maybe something will miraculously jump along my way and rescue me from loneliness. Maybe one day. Started to ask discretely my relatives about some maybes, who knows perhaps they still be helpful after all. But it was also some other resource, except of course some valuable shadchamin resources specialized in 'Russian Men for Jewish Girls': the damned JDate. Back in the old country, I started to use it of for a while, out of boredom and a bit desperate that will never be able to find my Jewish boy. I didn't find him through it, but at least I did have some interesting conversations. The two guys I've met after some months of discussions were definitely not my style, and I wasn't their either but at the time, I was taking life more lightly.
After another seconds of regrets and badmouthing the one and only Y. who...read above what he did to me...I set up the profile on a late Saturday evening. - the same timing of years ago - and started to look around. Surprisingly enough, online there were some characters I've been in touch years ago, they grew up more mature, with updated pictures, far away in their 40s. What happened? This is what's waiting for me too? A decade or even more of online hanging looking for the one and only?
With every new profile I was discovering, my desperation increased. Here he was again, the Swiss guy that used to show off as a non-religious OTD guy when he was only looking for some out of the bed adventure...
The more desperate you are, the more tempted you are to believe that money can solve almost all your problems! Should I maybe buy a 6-month plan, my maximum deadline for finding - again - a one and only? What gonna happen this time? Wish that this time I knew much better! For good!
to be continued...
