Before Yom Kippur

I am afraid of fasting. Not because of I am a glutton, or maybe I am, but rather because without a proper hydration, I automatically develop terrible headaches. And what can be worse than a headache? This is what usually happens in the middle and after almost every fast, I went through. Invariably, Tisha B'Av is one of the most terrible experience in that respect. I go to sleep after I listen a shiur, and for hours later I feel like seasick. 

All being said, I often welcome Yom Kippur with a deep feeling of fear. I usually start the New Year with a lot of hope and optimism but till Hoshana Rabah I cannot do anything coherently. The work and travel projects are floating in the air, all my efforts to do something serious are failing and even when it comes to people I am sent back into my shell. Till the end of the hagim, there it is nothing to do for the future, I am like stacked into the present. I need to rest, make more plans and analyse what happened in the last months.

Psychologically speaking, the beginning of the New Year is the best time to take decisions, make changes and upgrade the level of observance and learning. But without the day days leading to Yom Kippur, the deep change may be in jeopardy. How can one start when the hard stones of the past aveiros are taking him or her back? How can we start anew or almost anew with an old toxic perspective? The key is teshuva and more introspection and Yom Kippur is the climax of the change. 

But back to my first statement of being afraid of fasting, how can I really 'enjoy' the spirituality when I am hardly able to breath or think in general. When my head is no better than a 5-day old salad? 

A couple of years ago, I was told about spending Yom Kippur with a group of hasidim, that after one nigh of reading tehillim and another couple of hours of davening, were so happy and full of life when the moment of blowing the shofar arrived. At that moment, was difficult for me to envisage that genuine feeling.  

Now, I am longing for happiness on Yom Kippur. For what have been done and for what I am ready to deal with. For the mitzvot I want to do every day - at least once, if possible and for all the 'slichot' I have to say to those I misunderstood or bothered. I want to change something and it is the right time to do it. Trying to do anything else till Sunday at least failed, so I need to get the best of the time and focus on what really matters this time of the year.
It's all for the best!