Once upon a time, when my friends and some of my relatives realized that I am past 25 and not married yet, I was recommended - pushed towards - to give a try to the traditional matchmaking methods to find the one and only. (Scientifically, the recent results say that it might be more than one that you can consider as a soulmate in a lifetime, so give it a try again, singles).
The process started as any serious top management job search. With a very detailed CV, pictures and interviews with various shadhanit - matchmakers. The fact that I was in my early 30s, educated - actually, too much educated as one of the kind ladies confessed - and with a mixed background of religious and non-religious family, including many people with - oy gevalt - way too much high education - it was a disadvantage, apparently. The fact that I was also working and building my own career and being - again oy geval - independent - including not living with family and living in a secular world with secular friends was again problematic.
At the end of the many interviews and after dozens of phone calls, I started to be offered matches. Mostly bochurim - single men - in their late 30s, never married and as I was told once by one of the ladies matchmaker - 'a bit special'. When insisting to find out more about those special features, I was considered a bit insolent and replied that...'after all, what do you expect to get at your age, all the good ones are already given'. In fact, as I would have find out myself, without getting through interviews and other human resources procedures, those 'special' ones were in fact people that had specific mental health disorders. Apparently, most of them were never treated properly and therefore, their issues were just hidden under the carpet in the hope that sooner or later some 'special' lady will ignore them and just go on with the match.
In my case, it was not meant to be and I pursued on my own the search for my soul mate, with all that involves in the secular world, including failures, heartbreaks and way too many hopes. However, the concern about how mental health issues are tackled in the community. Although there are lately therapists belonging to the community and with a certain sensibility and knowledge of the everyday problems and the religious challenges in general, the stigma remains and often taking the right measures is way too late for an appropriate intervention.
And dating with a mental disorder in general, remains an issue - not only for the religious world, by the way. People with mental disorder are not easy to cope with and the immediate relatives and people that care for them might be direct victims and special knowledge, love and love again is needed. However, my main frustration was the way in which those issues were never acknowledged openly. Being offered someone 'special' was an example of the wrong way in which such issues are addressed, especially when it comes to dating and social relationships in general.
This article I've read at the end of the last week is in fact a good contribution to this discussion. Especially this quote: 'Threability in mental health is largely a function of access to high-quality evidence-based care and willingness on the part of the patient to do whatever it takes to get better'. Recent epigenetic studies outlined that mental disorders are inherited only if certain genetical and social conditions are met. A good education, life standards and professional integration, plus an appropriate therapy are chances of getting out of most of the mental disorders. In the case of a couple, being able to assume together the weight of the relationship makes everything much easier and bearable and helps to save the relationship in the end.
It is a matter of will, but taking the right decision based on the correct data is crucial to a relationship, including in the religious world.
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