Love and Marriage in Orthodox Jewish Communities

There is a lot of negative advertising about Orthodox Jewish dating, mostly given very extreme stories based on very personal experiences. Definitely, there are things that are not good, and there is a big ongoing problem regarding the get (divorce) refusals, as well as a shidduch crisis and there are so many issues that young people from Orthodox Jewish communities should face. 

But, think about the following thing: what about putting some of those many serious issues aside - without forgetting them - while trying to learn something about this different way of dating compared to the system we are used to as free and secular persons...Orthodox dating, with maximum 5 - special cases - dates before getting engaged and then married, with no physical contact before the proper wedding and with different set of agenda and priorities is not for everyone. Still, with an open mind and especially a heart, everyone can learn something different from it.

Completely randomly today I´ve stumbled upon a 3-part documentary released three years ago, about Love and Marriage in Orthodox Jewish Communities. Looking back to all the couples experiences, with different backgrounds, but all part of the general concept of Orthodox Jewish group, I may say that there were three hours well-used. 

In full honesty, I am not into this dating any more. Not at all. I had my own portion of humiliations while dealing with shadchanim - professional matchmakers - who hurrying to make a mitzva were ready to convince me that the donkey with bald patches screaming help from the top of his lungs was a beautiful horse of the purest breed. Like one of the protagonists from the documentary, I was told more than once that maybe my standards are too high and I have too much expectations, while not being any more in my 20s, plus too educated for someone looking for a good heimishe wife. Most of the shadchanim in this movie are the really bad guys, with conversations touching upon skin color, how divorcees are ´not accepted´ or how women should compromise on so many aspects. 

But hopefully, those characters are not too often present into the story, who´s taken over by the real people looking for a match. There are very different personalities - including someone who, at the time when the documentary was made belonged to the very strict - in terms of man/women relationship - sect of Gur. They are young, or less (meaning in their late 20s), all looking to build a Jewish home. Creating a mental/intellectual connection before any physical contact occurs, looking for the common values and what connects two people in terms of future and views on things is such a beatiful bridge to be built between two people looking for more than friendship but more valuable than a random physical encounter. Why should one waste her/his time with someone you don´t see yourself with in a week, month or even a year? 

From a strict religious perspective, there are main lines one is looking for while dating, and such aspects are clarified from the very beginning: wig or head covering? working or just studying in the yeshiva or both? what customs to follow? But actually, having a small basis creates infinite possibilities for further development of the relationship. In the secular dating, will you want to go out with someone walking in flip-flops? Someone who drives a car or goes to work on a bike? Serious dating is about making choices and respecting one´s values, while allowing the relationship to develop slowly and testing it when necessary. It is so hard nowadays to find someone sharing the same - human - values with, but taking your time and keeping up with your set of values, daring to ask questions and to say ´no´ when one feels is no future for the heart - although the mind seems to enjoy its wanderings - is such a journey worth taking it. It is that ´click´ or ´chemistry´ that is needed for setting up the premises for a couple, and the further work to make things work, based on respect, common interests and honesty.

Finding the right one for religious people involves praying for a sign or asking for the advice of a rabbi and hoping that he or she is really the one that Gd supposely assigned long before birth. But except some people that for so many reasons are much better alone - as they cannot poison other people with their insecurities and inner dishonesty - we are not all of us looking for signs that by staying with someone we made the right decision? 

After watching this movie I´ve finally realized that although my dating itinerary was not the happiest one, and had to deal with a lot of human failures along the way, looking for values, taking my time and trying a connection of hearts before anything else helped me tremendously to come closer to that special person I was waiting for my whole life. And this is more than enough. 

On Dating with Mental Disorder

Once upon a time, when my friends and some of my relatives realized that I am past 25 and not married yet, I was recommended - pushed towards - to give a try to the traditional matchmaking methods to find the one and only. (Scientifically, the recent results say that it might be more than one that you can consider as a soulmate in a lifetime, so give it a try again, singles).

The process started as any serious top management job search. With a very detailed CV, pictures and interviews with various shadhanit - matchmakers. The fact that I was in my early 30s, educated - actually, too much educated as one of the kind ladies confessed - and with a mixed background of religious and non-religious family, including many people with - oy gevalt - way too much high education - it was a disadvantage, apparently. The fact that I was also working and building my own career and being - again oy geval - independent - including not living with family and living in a secular world with secular friends was again problematic.

At the end of the many interviews and after dozens of phone calls, I started to be offered matches. Mostly bochurim - single men - in their late 30s, never married and as I was told once by one of the ladies matchmaker - 'a bit special'. When insisting to find out more about those special features, I was considered a bit insolent and replied that...'after all, what do you expect to get at your age, all the good ones are already given'. In fact, as I would have find out myself, without getting through interviews and other human resources procedures, those 'special' ones were in fact people that had specific mental health disorders. Apparently, most of them were never treated properly and therefore, their issues were just hidden under the carpet in the hope that sooner or later some 'special' lady will ignore them and just go on with the match. 

In my case, it was not meant to be and I pursued on my own the search for my soul mate, with all that involves in the secular world, including failures, heartbreaks and way too many hopes. However, the concern about how mental health issues are tackled in the community. Although there are lately therapists belonging to the community and with a certain sensibility and knowledge of the everyday problems and the religious challenges in general, the stigma remains and often taking the right measures is way too late for an appropriate intervention. 

And dating with a mental disorder in general, remains an issue - not only for the religious world, by the way. People with mental disorder are not easy to cope with and the immediate relatives and people that care for them might be direct victims and special knowledge, love and love again is needed. However, my main frustration was the way in which those issues were never acknowledged openly. Being offered someone 'special' was an example of the wrong way in which such issues are addressed, especially when it comes to dating and social relationships in general. 

This article I've read at the end of the last week is in fact a good contribution to this discussion. Especially this quote: 'Threability in mental health is largely a function of access to high-quality evidence-based care and willingness on the part of the patient to do whatever it takes to get better'. Recent epigenetic studies outlined that mental disorders are inherited only if certain genetical and social conditions are met. A good education, life standards and professional integration, plus an appropriate therapy are chances of getting out of most of the mental disorders. In the case of a couple, being able to assume together the weight of the relationship makes everything much easier and bearable and helps to save the relationship in the end. 

It is a matter of will, but taking the right decision based on the correct data is crucial to a relationship, including in the religious world. 

Don't trust a BBC Guide

I am not naive enough to believe that BBC is very sympathetic to Jews and especially to Orthodox Jews, but not cynical enough to believe fully the logic of 'they' vs. 'us'. Of course that we belong to different world and one of the most obvious example has to do with the 'laws' of marriage, but my conclusion after watching so-called 'documentaries' is that many producers and journalists simply do not do their job correctly. Another topic that you will find often featured in the media is related to nidah laws.

Take, for instance, the BBC Two documentary A Hasidic Guide to Love, Marriage and Finding a Bride. The topic is very interesting and there are a lot of things to be said about, especially when you address the London Jewish community. The author is featuring some marginal Jews or people situated somehow in a countercultural paradigm - who else would accept being called 'Orthodox' and answer about intimate life choices ? - and thus, the meaning is diminished. True is that it is not easy to marry your children, especially in London - when you went into prison, but I suppose that it is not available in the case of London Haredi, but it operates similarly in the case of any high-end family. To take an extreme example, the Queen Mother will not jump of happiness to find out that one of her nephews is entering a family with a splitted family with a bad reputation. Plus, I suppose that people are getting more or less drunk to any wedding, not necessarily at a Hasidic one. 

What did you expect, some may say? I think it is a huge potential to try to explain a lot of things about Judaism that the mainstream media fails to do it. Obviously, there are enough talented people around that are able to do it, including among the Jewish Brits.