There is a lot of negative advertising about Orthodox Jewish dating, mostly given very extreme stories based on very personal experiences. Definitely, there are things that are not good, and there is a big ongoing problem regarding the get (divorce) refusals, as well as a shidduch crisis and there are so many issues that young people from Orthodox Jewish communities should face.
But, think about the following thing: what about putting some of those many serious issues aside - without forgetting them - while trying to learn something about this different way of dating compared to the system we are used to as free and secular persons...Orthodox dating, with maximum 5 - special cases - dates before getting engaged and then married, with no physical contact before the proper wedding and with different set of agenda and priorities is not for everyone. Still, with an open mind and especially a heart, everyone can learn something different from it.
Completely randomly today I´ve stumbled upon a 3-part documentary released three years ago, about Love and Marriage in Orthodox Jewish Communities. Looking back to all the couples experiences, with different backgrounds, but all part of the general concept of Orthodox Jewish group, I may say that there were three hours well-used.
In full honesty, I am not into this dating any more. Not at all. I had my own portion of humiliations while dealing with shadchanim - professional matchmakers - who hurrying to make a mitzva were ready to convince me that the donkey with bald patches screaming help from the top of his lungs was a beautiful horse of the purest breed. Like one of the protagonists from the documentary, I was told more than once that maybe my standards are too high and I have too much expectations, while not being any more in my 20s, plus too educated for someone looking for a good heimishe wife. Most of the shadchanim in this movie are the really bad guys, with conversations touching upon skin color, how divorcees are ´not accepted´ or how women should compromise on so many aspects.
But hopefully, those characters are not too often present into the story, who´s taken over by the real people looking for a match. There are very different personalities - including someone who, at the time when the documentary was made belonged to the very strict - in terms of man/women relationship - sect of Gur. They are young, or less (meaning in their late 20s), all looking to build a Jewish home. Creating a mental/intellectual connection before any physical contact occurs, looking for the common values and what connects two people in terms of future and views on things is such a beatiful bridge to be built between two people looking for more than friendship but more valuable than a random physical encounter. Why should one waste her/his time with someone you don´t see yourself with in a week, month or even a year?
From a strict religious perspective, there are main lines one is looking for while dating, and such aspects are clarified from the very beginning: wig or head covering? working or just studying in the yeshiva or both? what customs to follow? But actually, having a small basis creates infinite possibilities for further development of the relationship. In the secular dating, will you want to go out with someone walking in flip-flops? Someone who drives a car or goes to work on a bike? Serious dating is about making choices and respecting one´s values, while allowing the relationship to develop slowly and testing it when necessary. It is so hard nowadays to find someone sharing the same - human - values with, but taking your time and keeping up with your set of values, daring to ask questions and to say ´no´ when one feels is no future for the heart - although the mind seems to enjoy its wanderings - is such a journey worth taking it. It is that ´click´ or ´chemistry´ that is needed for setting up the premises for a couple, and the further work to make things work, based on respect, common interests and honesty.
Finding the right one for religious people involves praying for a sign or asking for the advice of a rabbi and hoping that he or she is really the one that Gd supposely assigned long before birth. But except some people that for so many reasons are much better alone - as they cannot poison other people with their insecurities and inner dishonesty - we are not all of us looking for signs that by staying with someone we made the right decision?
After watching this movie I´ve finally realized that although my dating itinerary was not the happiest one, and had to deal with a lot of human failures along the way, looking for values, taking my time and trying a connection of hearts before anything else helped me tremendously to come closer to that special person I was waiting for my whole life. And this is more than enough.
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