...since those very first moments of shock and panic...are they all right, why are they not answering, maybe there is just one of those attacks that will be contained shortly after - no worries, we are strong, we are awake and not allowing the enemy, any enemy to destroy us again, to kill our children -, of feeling powerless...
...of being grateful for those few ones who asked how do we feel...
...of checking again and again who´s still alive and who is not answering and who is doing the miluim and who is gone...
...of feeling sorry for being alive, for being safe, for hiding in the attics of our fears...
...of Farhouds and Shoah and pogroms and Intifadas and terrorist attacks and 11/9...over and over again
...of learning again how to tell my children to stay away from them without telling them, to hide their stars, to train to fight, to distrust and still keep being proud...
...of highest security measures I´ve ever seen in the Gallut any kind of Gallut, for police guards on Shabbat and on Pesach and every day at schools and kindergartens and shops and broken glasses (again)...
...for tears and anger and screams and fighting and silence...because words cannot help...of running away from news because anyway, you cannot change anything, no one seems to can change anything, not today, not tomorrow never ever again...
...of seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months...nine months and 1 day since the world will never be the same again...
...of seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months of hope and despair of asking for a sign of life, or hoping there will be not another shiva...
...of simply building your own four-wall world, with a patch of sky, where to throw your curses and screams because no one, literally no one will ever help you, us, me and you...
...of having enough of rivers and seas and everything in between, of spitting on arguments made of poison and bile, of smeared Free Palestine and watermelons and ´Eyes on Rafah´ but not because hostages are kept there and keffieh and ´as a Jew´ and journalists praising them only because they cannot stop from hating us...
...of praying without words...
...of reading the news and seeing the pictures, of couldn´t stop from being anxious and fearing the worse for the world...
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