Live to Tell the Story

5777 was a hard year to cope with. In fact, every year is hard to cope with in its own way, but I think it brings you what you are ready to take. Or, at least, I encourage myself to think after realizing at the end of a very everntful year that, in fact the best lesson is to be able to wake up every single morning grateful for the gift of life, trying to live every moment as the best of my life. 

It seems that I finally made it to the point where I can look at life with a deep smile onto my face, regardless the outcome. 

I went through difficult times in the last year, which involves many ups and downs of any kinds, but being healthy and strong for my son, being surrounded by friends - even people that I never counted as friends - are my most precious diamonds. My emuna wasn't strong enough, my learning went very bad, my observance was wavering, I listened too much to lashon hara and sometimes was even part of it myself. I was too judgemental and too angry to think properly that breathing deep and counting to three is actually better than the outbursts of unhappiness. 

And here goes my 5778 Resolutions:

- I want to wake up every single early morning with a grateful smile on my face;

- I need more consistency to keep up with who I am, not giving up what I am. I want to resume regular tefillah, and Tehillim reading and my weekly challah baking and the peaceful observance of the holidays. 

- Altough the previous 3-hour learning schedule is almost impossible under the current situation, at least one hour the day can be done.

- I am surrounded by wonderful people, and I want to show more my appreciation for their presence into my life. 

- Lashon hara was my biggest enemy the last year and my decision is to stop either hearing or being part of it. I am doing my best to stay away of people spreading and practising it, but also from thinking about people in a way that might lead to it.

- More reading in Hebrew and Yiddish, not only because I need to use more those languages, but because my son will need it too. 

- Living a healthier life and considering more healthy options, like yoga, running or more hiking in the middle of the nature.

- Being happy with my lot and being thankful for everything the day brings on.

- Last but not least, more interesting posts about Jewish history, books and everyday stories.

Shana Tova u' Metuka

What the next year will stand for?

Regardless how brave I pretend I am or how optimistically I gaze at the future, with an idiotic smile on my face, this beautiful 5774 was a year of failures. On exactly old plans, starting with this blog and ending up with the domestic mess. Nothing really went on as I was expecting at the beginning of the year. Nothing at all. 

Put into a larger life perspective, this was the most challenging year of my life and I bet will have a lot of more consequences to deal with in the next weeks and months. I'm not that naive to pretend that everything should go smoothly always, but not that pessimistic either to believe that it's perfectly fine that everything you want to do is deemed to a happy failure. 

Not even my terrible will to overcome difficulties and always survive is not it used to be, perfectly turned into small little pieces by the stubbornness to accept a very distorted reality. Probably I wanted too much and was used always to receive what I was looking for and the challenges of the last months were completely out of my usual context. 

Now, when I am done with the overexposure of the recent past, and still hope that things can be changed for the good, or that everything happened was always, but always for the good, I cannot be fully supportive of my dreams and plans. 

Does it make to plan anything after all? Not that I'm suddenly the prey of a dramatic turn of faith and entering a dark age stage of nihilism. As for now, I decided to take a completely new attitude to life: getting less and less involved in planning. After so much planning and worries and too much thinking about what will happen if, I decided to give up. This year, a shmitta year, I don't look after the fruits, just will go and on with my life.

Who knows?

The end of 5773. The new beginnings

There are only a couple of hours left from 5773. The new beginnings are always exciting, especially for me, but till then, I still need to finish arranging some plates and to read my Tehillim portion for today. 

I can't imagine how far I was one year ago and how many accomplishment I did in the last months: a lot of learning and reading, a lot of mitzvot, thanks to the wonderful people I have around me, that asked me to be part of their endeavours. I had the chance to understand a lot about shalom, need to help those in need and stop being judgemental. I offered myself to help with an open heart, as my mother z''l used to do. 

A special rav said recently that when the grandchildren keep Yiddishkeit, their grandparents were deeply committed Yidden. I do not have any memories of my grandparents and my parents did not have too much time to know their parents either, but somehow, the pride of being what we are and the fight for making this world a better place for us, without being pushed to assimilate helped me to go beyond survival. Thinking about the tragic fate of my grandparents keeps the flame burning and determined my decision for a committed Yiddishe life. 

I've read that Ramhal said that before Moshiach will come, there will be some terrible times when the Jews will get away from belief, but will return individually, each and every one of them fully convinced about their commitment. Those of us who decided to return in humility and have the chutzpah of a fully observant life, against all odds and ironies can be an example that everything is possible when your will is strong. It also shows that it is important to keep from being judgemental, and appreciate the beautiful soul of every Yid who is back. All of us, regardless of the years spend in the yeshiva, we have so much to learn from each other and from the wise people before us. 

I will daven for a good year, for more mitzvos and for more learning. As for my blogging life, after one year of intense learning and another one of intense practising, I hope that I reached the right balance for being able to spend more sharing my thoughts and experiences. I also prepare a project aimed to focus on the Jewish historical heritage iy''H and to continue exploring the Jewish literature of the diaspora and from Israel. I also hope that in the next months to have more posts in Hebrew and to expand my learning and knowledge to Hebrew and Yiddish literature. 

May it be a new and happy year for everyone, healthy and peaceful, with enough challenges that may help us to see what it really matters in life!

Shana tova!