Tuesday 10 September 2013

Before Yom Kippur

I am afraid of fasting. Not because of I am a glutton, or maybe I am, but rather because without a proper hydration, I automatically develop terrible headaches. And what can be worse than a headache? This is what usually happens in the middle and after almost every fast, I went through. Invariably, Tisha B'Av is one of the most terrible experience in that respect. I go to sleep after I listen a shiur, and for hours later I feel like seasick. 
All being said, I often welcome Yom Kippur with a deep feeling of fear. I usually start the New Year with a lot of hope and optimism but till Hoshana Rabah I cannot do anything coherently. The work and travel projects are floating in the air, all my efforts to do something serious are failing and even when it comes to people I am sent back into my shell. Till the end of the hagim, there it is nothing to do for the future, I am like stacked into the present. I need to rest, make more plans and analyse what happened in the last months.
Psychologically speaking, the beginning of the New Year is the best time to take decisions, make changes and upgrade the level of observance and learning. But without the day days leading to Yom Kippur, the deep change may be in jeopardy. How can one start when the hard stones of the past aveiros are taking him or her back? How can we start anew or almost anew with an old toxic perspective? The key is teshuva and more introspection and Yom Kippur is the climax of the change. 
But back to my first statement of being afraid of fasting, how can I really 'enjoy' the spirituality when I am hardly able to breath or think in general. When my head is no better than a 5-day old salad? 
A couple of years ago, I was told about spending Yom Kippur with a group of hasidim, that after one nigh of reading tehillim and another couple of hours of davening, were so happy and full of life when the moment of blowing the shofar arrived. At that moment, was difficult for me to envisage that genuine feeling.  
Now, I am longing for happiness on Yom Kippur. For what have been done and for what I am ready to deal with. For the mitzvot I want to do every day - at least once, if possible and for all the 'slichot' I have to say to those I misunderstood or bothered. I want to change something and it is the right time to do it. Trying to do anything else till Sunday at least failed, so I need to get the best of the time and focus on what really matters this time of the year.
It's all for the best!

Saturday 7 September 2013

'Come to Israel...'

"Come to Israel, come and see the splendor of a desirable land, the splendor of the Carmel and of the Sharno, the splendor of the pleasant and beautiful azure skies, the magnificience of the clear, pure, and temperate air that reigns in its majesty and glory, even in Tevet. Delight and rejoice in this desirable, fair and pleasing land. A land of life, a land whose air is the wellspring of the spirit. How beautiful and graceful she is!

Come to Israel, come and see 'and your heart shall rejoice, and your bones shall flourish like grass' (Isaiah 66:14). Come and see how our beloved and precious nation like an eagle renews its youth, how she begins to stretch her bones, aching and shattered from wandering and bitter exile; some and see how she accustoms herself to standing erect as a date palm. Come and feel how our national invigorates its spirit by remembering its strength and majesty, by remembering its grandeur and glory at every turn. Come and delight in memories better than good wine, that exalt the soul and increase wisdom, memories of kings and princes, memories of heroes and prophets, memories of glory and strength, greatness and majesty. Come to the Land of Israel - here you will behold the vision of all this, here you will know that you are alive, living a life worthy of the name, in the land of life".

from Rav A.Y.Kook, Selected Letters, translated and annotated by Tzvi Feldman, Ma'aliot Publications of Yeshiva Birkat Moshe, Ma'aleh Adumim, Israel, 1976, pp. 239-240

Wednesday 4 September 2013

The end of 5773. The new beginnings

There are only a couple of hours left from 5773. The new beginnings are always exciting, especially for me, but till then, I still need to finish arranging some plates and to read my Tehillim portion for today. 
I can't imagine how far I was one year ago and how many accomplishment I did in the last months: a lot of learning and reading, a lot of mitzvot, thanks to the wonderful people I have around me, that asked me to be part of their endeavours. I had the chance to understand a lot about shalom, need to help those in need and stop being judgemental. I offered myself to help with an open heart, as my mother z''l used to do. 
A special rav said recently that when the grandchildren keep Yiddishkeit, their grandparents were deeply committed Yidden. I do not have any memories of my grandparents and my parents did not have too much time to know their parents either, but somehow, the pride of being what we are and the fight for making this world a better place for us, without being pushed to assimilate helped me to go beyond survival. Thinking about the tragic fate of my grandparents keeps the flame burning and determined my decision for a committed Yiddishe life. 
I've read that Ramhal said that before Moshiach will come, there will be some terrible times when the Jews will get away from belief, but will return individually, each and every one of them fully convinced about their commitment. Those of us who decided to return in humility and have the chutzpah of a fully observant life, against all odds and ironies can be an example that everything is possible when your will is strong. It also shows that it is important to keep from being judgemental, and appreciate the beautiful soul of every Yid who is back. All of us, regardless of the years spend in the yeshiva, we have so much to learn from each other and from the wise people before us. 
I will daven for a good year, for more mitzvos and for more learning. As for my blogging life, after one year of intense learning and another one of intense practising, I hope that I reached the right balance for being able to spend more sharing my thoughts and experiences. I also prepare a project aimed to focus on the Jewish historical heritage iy''H and to continue exploring the Jewish literature of the diaspora and from Israel. I also hope that in the next months to have more posts in Hebrew and to expand my learning and knowledge to Hebrew and Yiddish literature. 
May it be a new and happy year for everyone, healthy and peaceful, with enough challenges that may help us to see what it really matters in life!
Shana tova!