Dealing with the 9 Days

My big challenges of going through the 9 Days when living in galut is to keep yourself sober in a sea of futility. There it is not always the society's fault for such an entertaining and easy view of life. This time of the year is usually the children's vacation time and at least till a certain age, it is quite difficult to explain them why they should not listen to music or make fun or play loudly in the garden. Or not going to the swimming pool. Especially when you don't have a reliable Jewish camp around, the pressure is even harder, because you are almost left alone to explain to them why 'we' are not like 'them'. 

Somehow, it has to do not always with the 9 Days, but with many of our attitudes to life in general. On Friday evening, when I go back from a communal Kabbalah Shabbat evening, we pass through a loudly disco with drunk teenagers with pink and blue heads waiting in line in the front of one of the most famous club in town. Can you think about the moment when your kids will grow up and will look at such behaviors not only with curiosity but with envy as well? One may say that the education offered by the parents will prevent them by doing so. But the parents cannot watch the kids' thoughts and there it is always a small risk. 

Back to my 9 Days dilemma, there it is always something distracting us, especially during the summer. In my thoughts, I get ready spiritually, thinking and reading about the Temple and trying to have a small table talk, but I cannot avoid a certain feeling of happiness and accomplishment when we have a new good meal, or when we read a good book or when we meet old friends - this is summer and this is what happened usually. Plus, having a work that deals with travel, it involves going in new places and sometimes really enjoying the feeling of being on the road. Or, what can I do when a client that delayed a payment for over a month finally decided to fulfil its obligations? Keep some money for tzedaka and be grateful, for instance. 

Maybe the right feeling is to remember always that it is not enough and we still have bigger and more important to do. And for those living in galut, that we should end up being satisfied with what we have, because we deserve something more. Watching to keep a certain modesty of thoughts that will prevent the blindness of self-sufficiency. I avoid to call it a tragic condition.

What Ben Gurion dreamed

It is said that David Ben-Gurion said at the beginning of the state of Israel:

'Within the State the differences between various kinds of Jews will be obliterated in the course of time, the communities and tribes will sooner or later fuse into one national and cultural unity. Common education, the Hebrew language, universal service in the Israel Defense Forces, the establishment of a common minimum standard of living, the entry of workers from various countries and communities into a single labour federation, mixed marriages between the various tribes, common political action in non-communal parties, and so on, will produce a new type of Jew with the favourable qualities and characteristics of all the tribes of Israel'. 

quoted in J. Isaac, 'Israel: A New Melting Pot?' in W.D.Borrie, ed. Cultural Integration of Immigrants (Paris: UNESCO, 1959) p. 266

Well, the man plans and G-d laugh. I will not start right now to write an academic article about identity in the state of Israel, but what can I say is that, for sure, David Ben-Gurion's assumption did not turn into reality. And, in a way, it is better that we have nowadays a diversity of cultures, traditions, accents and people that all of them are part of the same country: the state of Israel. More than the 'goldene medina', Eretz Yisrael is a laboratory for all cultures and traditions from the world: from the serious yekke to the Shanghai yidden, to the delicious food served by Iraqi families to the messy Russian lifestyles. How can you be not proud that each day you can discover something new about yourself? You won't learn it in school or at a PhD program: you go on the street of Jerusalem and try to find a good restaurant to eat. Or in the Army, where you need to accommodate different lifestyles, from the secular to the religious. Even the voting patterns are following the ethnic lines and most likely it will continue to be so for a long time from now. Nothing to be ashamed, nothing that we would need to change. It can get complicated sometimes and the mixed marriages are not encouraged, at least not in the traditional families and sometimes 'we' vs. 'them' is not a pleasant episode of our everyday lives. 

But, in any case, Ben Gurion was not right, and not all the dreams, including the political ones, should be true.

The Newlywed guide to Physical Intimacy

This Newlywed's Guide to Physical Intimacy is on the market for almost two years but it caught my attention relatively recent, following some online reviews and discussions about it, including some controversies about how far the Orthodox writing can go and how open should it be in such sensitive issues such as 'physical intimacy'. 

Curious to read more and with some free time in my pocket, I decided to download the Kindle edition and spend some time reading it. It is a fast lecture, not only for someone practising 'speed reading': a simple language yet a careful choice of the words, plus some explicit illustrations that may help anyone at the beginning of the Orthodox married life. The information is useful and written in a very non-offensive way for the eyes of someone not-exposed to the such knowledge, even at a passive level. As in the case of many seminars for newly and older weds, communication is important in this stage of the life. An example of advice: 'Being sexual with each other is a unique form of communication, but that experience can be made more secure and comfortable if your verbal communication - what you each say and hear - conveys clear messages'. Easy to write, not so easy in practice, when people with a strong Orthodox/Hasidic background may not have the proper words to express what does it mean 'being sexual'. Also, there are a lot of 'superstitions' and fears as well as a lack of education in everything that has to do with the other gender and such issues need to be addressed with a lot of care and attention that goes beyond the graphic descriptions and the advice about what exactly to do when alone for the first time with a man/woman.

Somehow, the book assumes that its readers have a minimal though vague education - in the very sense of the word - about what they can can expect the first night of being a couple. 

The book is accompanied by graphic presentations and simple descriptions of the man/woman body that are helpful. As the authors have also direct experience of working directly with Orthodox couples and by far, the most appreciated part of the book for me was the one including examples of questions and advices. The responsibilities for 'making your sex life work' is the responsibility of both and in case that the problems are less about communication but of medical or haskafic nature, the immediate advice is to address the rabbi, respectively the doctor.

Not openly, but not in a hidden way either, there are hints about using toys and pornography is not overtly eliminated from the discussion ('viewing pornography is not automatically an addictive behavior'). If they say so...at the end of the day, it is a matter of personal choice that should be done in full agreement with the other member of the new family. 

The book is helpful but not enough for solving many of the issues facing a newly wed Orthodox couple. Let's hope it will be a continuation or at least an improved/expanded edition.   

A royal wedding

I have no idea how many people in this world had 25,000 guests at their wedding. Maybe some royal families but even there, I am not sure if the participants were so free to share the holiness of the moment. 

In the last hours, I watched a lot of pictures and videos from the wedding of the Belz rebbe's grandson. From time to time, I also saw some comments, many related to the appearance of the veiled bride (should she stay like this her entire lifetime, or what a culture when the woman should wear a white covering on her face...etc.), but it will not be the point of my articles.

Before the Germans destroyed Belz, there were 3,600 Jewish inhabitants, out of a population of 6,100 persons. The Belzer rebbe was on the list of the most wanted Jews and he succeeded to escape first to Hungary and after, shortly before the Nazis (ימח שמו) invaded the country, he and his half-brother succeeded to escape to the then-Palestine. All the members of their families left in Poland were killed.

The Hasidic courts were re-established in Tel Aviv and later in the Kiryas Belz, in Jerusalem. The Belz synagogue is nowadays one of the biggest constructions in the holy city. A new network of yeshivot and educational system was created, following the model of intensive study used by the Belz in the old country. In the US, the Belz have a high-end medical treatment center and several charities that may support those who are interested in spending more time in the yeshiva before and after being married.

Nowadays, the Belz chosids are everywhere: there are more than 2 thousand families in the US, as well as in Canada or UK. No more chosids in Poland. 

The current rebbe, Yissachar Dov Rokeach, is the fifth head of the dynasty, and the son in law of Rebbe Moshe Hager of Vizhnitz, another hasidic dynasty that was re-born in Eretz Israel after the World War II. 

Nowadays, there are at least ten times more Belz chasidim than in the shtetl. The message? עם ישראל חי

Blessing of the trees

The entire month of Nissan I waited for this moment. Finally today, I spotted the blossoming trees and I davened the  birkat ha'ilanot. Leshana haba'a...

Why flying in a plastic bag

In 75% of the cases, Internet is so useful for reading and learning things that otherwise you cannot have access to. The rest is taken by those very busy to make the web the home of their misunderstandings, half-truth and an inappropriate pinch of hate. 

Yesterday, a picture was posted around the net and social media: a 'Haredi' - can anyone define me in a couple of words this words throw up as a curse when you don't like the degree of religious observance of your fellow Jew -  man in a plastic bag in a plane! Hilarious, shocking, philosophically speaking, outrageous. Of course he does not like women, what other reason may he can have for such a discriminatory outfit?

The truth was revealed a couple of hours later: as a Kohen, the plastic bag is a measure against contamination when flying over a cemetery or in order to avoid eventual contact with dead insects. 

והיא שעמדה

Three of my grandparents were killed then: by the German, Romanian and Hungarian criminals - ימח שמו.  I never know where their graves are. My parents grew up without parents and close family, brought from a border to another, changing names and families in order to survive. We lived in a world of silences and double truth: at home, we were silent and tried to communicate in coded language; outside, we were trying to convince the others that we have a right to live and they should live us alone.

Looking for acceptance with an undeserved humility, mimicking their nonsense, not too brave to be ourselves. Accepting with a stupid smile on the face their arguments that we will never be able to go further because, 'you know, you are never one of us'. It took one generation of pain and silence to realize that, no, we don't want to be 'one of yours'. Leaving behind the prosperous position of second class citizens and assuming what we really are. 

Our protection is not that of the nations, many of them our enemies. Even if I tried hard so many years, I still don't understand why and what happened. But at least I understood why 'they', the culturally brilliant and educated creatures did not hesitate to openly or passively support the killing. 

Part of the task of remembering every one of the 6 millions is to assume our identity and our belief. This is what will protect our children and will give them the strength to fight the Amaleks of their time.