The thing with lashon hara

I hate to spread lashon hara or to be part of any gossiping, but when I am myself the subject of such an encouter, it makes me feel really sick. Night after night, I keep thinking hard, sometimes with tears in my eyes, what I did wrong. Why I have to be singled out, again, and bring people to lashon hara? Why people that I know are good just gave up to the temptation of spreading half-truths? 

It happens often that I just want to stay in my corner, my face in my siddur and forget about everything around me. But it is not possible and it should not be that way. How you can make mitzvot when you are isolated in your cubicle? I have to go out, talk with people, try to help and then, out of nowhere, it happens again. Someone is annoyed but something he or she - most often she - pretends I was doing or doing wrong. And this comes from someone that it is not even part of my daily group of acquintances or friends. Someone that is not close enough to give me a call and ask me directly: Listen, I think you did wrong, or I do not agree with what you've done. As simple as that. If you really care and want to help me how other way it is than to talk to me? Every time it is the same pattern. I just feel excluded from a conversation that concerns me and only me. 

Oh, and once I am told about someone that has something against me by people who were shared directly or second-handly the great information, I am left to deal with another big problem: How I should really react to this? The natural reaction is to pick up the phone and clarify the issue directly. But anger is such a deadly poison...As I know myself very well, my words can harm much more than the words threw against me. Do I want to really hurt? Is this wise to do it? I keep running in my head imaginary dialogues with the person, that varies from excuses for doing imaginary mistakes to harsh replies from the buttom of my heart. 

How I end up in fact? In most cases, I am trying to forget, keen to be more careful the next time, sad and unsure if in fact it is not better to stay in my corner longer the next time. But I know I will not, so I suppose that life should just keep going on... Till the next time.