This Year Lessons of Tisha B'Av

For years, mourning and fasting on Tisha b'Av was an unique moment of connection and meditation on the deep meanings of what caused the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. This year, for the same reason, it is a great moment to figure out what I had to disconnect with some of my fellows.

I know how bad is to make difference between us and consider one better than the other - or worse. I know the destructive power of lashon hara. I know how sad and lonely is to feel isolated from your fellow Jews in galut and to realize that you have to cut ties with some of them otherwise your soul is feeling dirtied.

My mother (z'l) whose yohrzeit falls on Tisha b'Av used to teach us something. When you dress in a certain - immodest - way it is your decision to treat your body well - or not. When you decide to do not respect certain holidays and prohibitions it is your responsibility towards Gd. When you decide to eat certain non-kosher foods it will harm yourself but it is your decision to spiritually poison your body. All those decisions are aimed at harming yourself and no one else. But, when you utter certain words and to say bad things to other people , it is your decision to harm other people which is by far worse than anything you can do to yourself. The human soul is so delicate that only one single word said with hate can completely destroy its basis. 

And this is exactly what happened to me in the last years. People that used to trust or just welcome in my house and help turned against me and throw up lashon hara just because it was easier than check directly facts with the target of those slanders. Bad for them, I have my conscience clean that I helped someone in need, but still, words hurt. People that are so corrupt that you can hardly imagine, turned against because it is better always to pretend having someone against someone who knows your real value. Bad for them, they only add more deceit to an already mountain of disappointment. And there were also those who were so sour against life that just being ugly did not cost them a dime. 

I'm long healed for all of them, but the scars are still there. The scars of realizing that in the end, for my own psychological sanity, I need to start treating them with the same condescendence and even harshness as anyone else. I was not ready for this and the decision was hurtful, but had to. Living the galut in the middle of your own people is painful.

After all, the fact that we are not better than the others leave a lot of room for improvement. Open the doors for recognizing the humble humanity and kindness of any human, regardless the background received by birth. 

In a very condescending way, I am terribly sorry for those people that were unable to understand kindness and chose to attack. They might have their hurtful histories they are trying to fight against. Meeting them up was a deceiving experience but was all for the good. I am surrounded by the people I chose to have around me based on their good midot and not the Gd they pray, based on their humanity, humility and intelligence. I keep being myself, being proud of my education and background but very careful with embracing my fellows only because we share the same group stigma.

The Temple was destroyed and we were left on ourselves. Left to build our homes of peace and our souls clean. By far, most difficult than putting together stone with stone. 

This Tisha b'Av means more than ever a milestone. A milestone of me being finally able to fulfill my spiritual and human potential, freed from the mental overload and human toxicity that only broke my heart and my faith. I was able to move forward beautifully and I happy to embark on this journey.

The thing with lashon hara

I hate to spread lashon hara or to be part of any gossiping, but when I am myself the subject of such an encouter, it makes me feel really sick. Night after night, I keep thinking hard, sometimes with tears in my eyes, what I did wrong. Why I have to be singled out, again, and bring people to lashon hara? Why people that I know are good just gave up to the temptation of spreading half-truths? 

It happens often that I just want to stay in my corner, my face in my siddur and forget about everything around me. But it is not possible and it should not be that way. How you can make mitzvot when you are isolated in your cubicle? I have to go out, talk with people, try to help and then, out of nowhere, it happens again. Someone is annoyed but something he or she - most often she - pretends I was doing or doing wrong. And this comes from someone that it is not even part of my daily group of acquintances or friends. Someone that is not close enough to give me a call and ask me directly: Listen, I think you did wrong, or I do not agree with what you've done. As simple as that. If you really care and want to help me how other way it is than to talk to me? Every time it is the same pattern. I just feel excluded from a conversation that concerns me and only me. 

Oh, and once I am told about someone that has something against me by people who were shared directly or second-handly the great information, I am left to deal with another big problem: How I should really react to this? The natural reaction is to pick up the phone and clarify the issue directly. But anger is such a deadly poison...As I know myself very well, my words can harm much more than the words threw against me. Do I want to really hurt? Is this wise to do it? I keep running in my head imaginary dialogues with the person, that varies from excuses for doing imaginary mistakes to harsh replies from the buttom of my heart. 

How I end up in fact? In most cases, I am trying to forget, keen to be more careful the next time, sad and unsure if in fact it is not better to stay in my corner longer the next time. But I know I will not, so I suppose that life should just keep going on... Till the next time. 

When it is better to keep silent

Blogging and social media in general opened the door to a lot of temptations. One is that you want to share as much as possible about your personal ups and downs first online instead of talking with a friend, a rabbi or anyone close to you that may known. It is a certain voyeurism and a temptation of public drama that pushes many blog authors to keep us updated with their marriage failures, unaccomplished shidduchim dreams or any other personal aspects that could be important for the moment, but could harm the credibility of the person on the long term. When other people on the same wavelength use the information to spread lashon hara, those person consider themselves victims, and of course they are, but first and foremost of their own naivity.

Sooner or later, it pays back.

Also, each mistake that it is not corrected in time, pays back more than ten times. Sometimes it is the direct responsibility of the community to rebuke those who make mistakes, even they are considered wise persons with immense knowledge. Being indifferent when some small abuses or infringements take place could create a lot of problems for the community. It may be an innocent touch, but when it is done more than 3 times, it is a minhag, Is the community keen to accept it?

The mistake may be that some could be considered powerful and rich and wise and unique sources of authorities. Their mistakes remind us that it is only one judge and only one holy way. I don't want to call people 'holy', not because lack of respect, but because I believe in the humanity of each of us, that gives us the possibility to correct our mistakes, before it is too late.

In such cases, the Internet could be used as a weapon to reveal the truth, but the choice of wording is very important to prevent the spread of lashon hara. 

Each day is a new occasion to do mitzvos and improve our character treats. Thinking twice and being able to focus on ideas rather than on persons could help to improve the world. This may be a good defense against any odds that may endanger us, often the result of our indifference. 

Cost of living

I saw recently on the Internet various blog posts and further discussions regarding the (high) costs of becoming a Jew or of turning to an observant life. I don't want at all to address the persons who started such conversations and their more or less obvious reasons. The beauty of life is that all we are different, thinking differently and having different reactions.

But, honestly, from the very beginning I was surprised by the interest dedicated to such topics, as I never had the idea to evaluate the costs of the observant life (I don't know nothing about converstion). The above mentioned posts are mentioning a long list of investments: the costs of taking classes with a rabbi, the books, plates, clothes and many many other aspects. The writers are American so maybe from an US perspective everything should look as a business plan and even though the writing pieces were not articles in the proper sense of the word (who cares about doing journalism when we can say and write anything we want - including lashon hara - on our personal blogs), I would have been very happy to read experiences from people who didn't think the whole spiritual adventure as an investment counting every single $$ spent.

It doesn't mean I deny or diminish the importance of money in almost everything we do. But, generally, when you turn to the observant life, you do it not because you have a surplus of money, but because you are convinced that something is missing in your life. And you decide to do it, whatever the costs (that, I repeat, I never took into consideration). It is an investment, indeed, but for ever, in a life worth living.

I will not address the costs for conversions because I don't know too much about this, but will think a bit about the return to faith (recently, I saw also some discussions about how problematic is to be baal teshuva and how many people avoid to call themselves under this term fearing discrimination and suspicion within their communities; as long as you do it with modesty and you avoid by any means gossips and irrelevant thoughts, nobody should be afraid of what it is and what used to be; and if you have a tensed relationship with your current community, go to find another one) in practical terms (I avoid to count the $).

Indeed, we need a lot of objects - candles, mezuzot, cups, spices box, plates. And adequate clothes - unless you was used to go almost nacked, for sure you will find in your wardrobe many adaptable items. And books - if you have a Jewish library at the community center and free Internet access, performing that task would be easier. And kosher food - expensive and hard to find in galut; but also try to think about the money you save after you stop eating out too often (or at all, as in galut, kosher restaurants are very rare) or you decline the invitations to go clubbing on Friday or Saturday night. And for classes too - but, again, the free Internet access can save a lot - and many Orthodox shuls are offering periodically free lessons and Rosh Chodesh gatherings. You don't have to do it overnight - at least, we didn't. The process of return is progressive and you will discover what do you need while you advance in your journey. When we started to observe a strict Shabbat, we went to buy everything we needed for this and in one month time we realized what are the other practical necessities - for instance, a battery-powered alarm clock. Openly speaking, the most challenging part was to adjust our working schedule to the cycle of the hagim or to the Shabbat time and the hard task was for our employers to understand that we are not available at all on Saturdays. But it didn't produce any financial consequence; in exchange, we won respect for becoming committed persons, with a healthy family life.

In many hasidic stories, you read about people working hard and in very hostile conditions, enjoying a piece of challah and a fish and the blessing of prayers during Shabbos. In my humble understanding, everything you do is getting a sense up to the aim, which is not to show off and impress other fellow Jews.

Whatever I try, I still can't find any relevance in all the financial evaluations of the observant life. Any relevance at all. When I am convinced of what I have to do and I have the proper guidance for being sure that what I'm doing is correct, the whole life is adjusting and I will find the ways to practice what I am talking about. Period.

A few things in my mind after the long holiday

The holiday was wanderful and the yom really tov: lots of good food - including mine - new and old friends, continous personal discoveries, good books and a couple of personal and professional resolutions (I still can't discern the difference between the two).

After so many quiet and highly spiritual days, it's very hard to return back on track - facing the flow of e-mails, for example) but I should be ready for another experience soon, as the Sukkot is also starting on a Wednesday.

Now, Tzom Gedalia started, I woke up later than expected so no time to eat early in the morning and I wish to spent my whole day writing, finishing some books and doing some professional schmoozing.

Before that, let's start this writing year with a couple of observations (tried to avoid as much as possible lashon hara of any kind).

- Definitely, it should be found a solution for blocking the use of cell phones in the shul. It should be blocked somehow, otherwise I am getting crazy.

- Nothing compares with the men's voices singing. Listening the ascending tremolo of the voices drives you far away in the sunny sky.

- After three days and a little half of disconnection with the outer world, it was very hard to accept that I am out of the paradise. From the linguistic point of view, I had some blank seconds where I was unable to switch automatically to the language used. Overall, I spoke at least five languages and listen to six. Anyway, I still feel like linguistically jet-lagged...

- We have wonderful prayers, and knowing how to pronounce the words and their meanings adds a lot of deep understanding of who we are. A very significant part of me can't wait the next yom tov - I don't have to wait too long and meanwhile I should organize my time as efficient as possible (sometimes we need to make some money, at least for the nice dresses and the good food and the present for the lovely people of our lives).

Back on the track and wishing again to my readers Shana Tova!

Words in Judaism (3) Lashon hara

Image via Wikipedia//Moses Maimonides

The Talmud includes the plea, "My G-d, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies." Leviticus 25:17 says, "You shall not wrong one another." This has traditionally been interpreted as wronging a person with speech. It includes any statement that will embarrass, insult or deceive a person, or cause a person emotional pain or distress.

It is forbidden to even imply or suggest negative things about a person. It is forbidden to say negative things about a person, even in jest. It is likewise considered a "shade of lashon ha-ra" to say positive things about a person in the presence of his enemies, because this will encourage his enemies to say negative things to contradict you.

The types of gossips

First is Rekhilut-This type of gossip involves talking about the minute details of another person's life. The damage done by Rekhilut is relatively minor, but it can led to worse types of gossip. Halakha does not forbid telling any story about another; it forbids telling stories only if they cause harm. The difference between rekhilut and lashon ha-ra is outlined by the Rambam in Hilkhot Dei'ot (7:2): "Who is a 'rakhil' [gossip]? One who carries information and goes around from one person to the next and says, 'This is what so-and-so said'; 'This is what I heard about so-and-so.' Even if it is true – this person destroys the world."

Second is Lashon ha-ra. Lashon hara involves discrediting a person or saying negative things about a person, even if those negative things are true. True statements are even more damaging than false ones, because you can't defend yourself by disproving the negative statement if it's true! Some sources indicate that lashon ha-ra is equal in seriousness to murder, idol worship, and incest/adultery (the only three sins that you may not violate even to save a life).

Third is Motzi shem ra- This is the spreading of malicious lies. Motzi shem ra is the worst of the three and has the effect of murdering the good name of a person.

There are a few exceptional circumstances when tale-bearing is allowed, or even required. Most notably, tale-bearing is required in a Jewish court of law, because it is a mitzvah to give testimony and that mitzvah overrides the general prohibition against tale-bearing. Thus, a person is required to reveal information, even if it is something that was explicitly told in confidence, even if it will harm a person, in a Jewish court of law.

A person is also required to reveal information to protect a person from immediate, serious harm. For example, if a person hears that others are plotting to kill someone, he is required to reveal this information. That is another reason why the commandment not to go about as a tale-bearer is juxtaposed with "you shall not stand aside while your fellow's blood is shed."

In limited circumstances, one is also permitted to reveal information if someone is entering into a relationship that he would not enter if he knew certain information. For example, it may be permissible to tell a person that his prospective business partner is untrustworthy, or that a prospective spouse has a disease. This exception is subject to significant and complex limitations; however, if those limitations are satisfied, the person with the information is required to reveal it.

In all of these exceptions, a person is not permitted to reveal information if the same objective could be fulfilled without revealing information. For example, if you could talk a person out of marrying for reasons other than the disease, you may not reveal the disease.

Here are some commonly-used examples of behavior that is forbidden by this mitzvah:

- You may not call a person by a derogatory nickname, or by any other embarrassing name, even if he is used to it.

- You may not ask an uneducated person for an opinion on a scholarly matter (that would draw attention to his lack of knowledge or education).

- You may not ask a merchant how much he would sell something for if you have no intention of buying.

- You may not refer someone to another person for assistance when you know the other person cannot help (in other words, it's a violation of Jewish law to give someone the run-around!).

- You may not deceive a person, even if no harm is done by the deception; for example, you may not sell non-kosher meat to a non-Jew telling him that it is kosher, even though no harm is done to the non-Jew by this deception.

- You may not sell a person damaged goods without identifying the damage, even if the price you give is fair for the goods in their damaged condition.

- You may not offer a person a gift or invite a person to dinner if you know that the person will not accept.

- You may not compliment a person if you do not mean it.

In Hilchot Deot 7:5, Maimonides supplies a litmus test for determining whether something is or isn't Lashon Hara: Anything which, if it would be publicized, would cause the subject physical or monetary damage, or would cause him anguish or fear, is Lashon Hara.

Teshuva

Repentance, or Teshuva, involves three steps (in any order):

1. Regretting one's actions
2. Confessing the misdeed privately to G-d
3. Committing to not repeat the error in the future

In addition, any sin one person commits against another also requires rectification:

4. make amends or repay the damages
5. ask for forgiveness

If someone spoke Lashon Hara, all five of the steps are required. The first three are the same as in all repentance - sincere regret, confessional prayer, and the resolve plus strategies to avoid speaking it in the future.

For a constructive purpose

In "Chafetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day" p. 132, Rabbi Yitzchak Berkowitz lists the major categories of constructive purposes for which Lashon Hara may be spoken:

To influence the subject to improve by discussing his faults with someone who can help him.

To prevent someone from being harmed by the subject, or help someone who was already harmed by the subject.

To help end a dispute between individuals which could escalate to the community level.

To help others learn from the subject's mistakes.

Before speaking Lashon Hara for a constructive purpose, the following seven conditions must be met:

- The information spoken must be completely true and witnessed or verified by the speaker. If it is impossible to verify the information yet necessary that it be passed on, the speaker must preface his remarks with a warning that the information is only hearsay and not definitely true.

- The issue must be a problem (e.g. transgression, relevant character flaw or bad behavior) from an objective viewpoint, not merely a preference or sensitivity. (For example, if a store openly encourages shoppers to sample the new grape shipment, and someone takes a few grapes rather than exactly one, it would be incorrect to consider him "greedy" or "a thief.")

- The speaker must first rebuke the subject directly, in a kind and gentle way which is likely to have an influence.

- The information cannot be exaggerated or embellished, even if it's the only way to get the listener to heed the information.

- The intention of the speaker must be purely to help in the situation, not to degrade the subject or cause him shame.

- If the constructive purpose intended by the speaker can be achieved in a way other than speaking Lashon Hara, the speaker should resort to that other method.

- Any damage that is caused to the subject as a result of the Lashon Hara should not exceed that which would be decreed by a Beit Din (Jewish court) if the case were reviewed there. This is difficult to evaluate, so that situations that impact the livelihood or other areas of the subject should be referred to a Beit Din.

Sources: http://www.torah.org/learning/halashon/review3.html