For years, mourning and fasting on Tisha b'Av was an unique moment of connection and meditation on the deep meanings of what caused the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. This year, for the same reason, it is a great moment to figure out what I had to disconnect with some of my fellows.
I know how bad is to make difference between us and consider one better than the other - or worse. I know the destructive power of lashon hara. I know how sad and lonely is to feel isolated from your fellow Jews in galut and to realize that you have to cut ties with some of them otherwise your soul is feeling dirtied.
My mother (z'l) whose yohrzeit falls on Tisha b'Av used to teach us something. When you dress in a certain - immodest - way it is your decision to treat your body well - or not. When you decide to do not respect certain holidays and prohibitions it is your responsibility towards Gd. When you decide to eat certain non-kosher foods it will harm yourself but it is your decision to spiritually poison your body. All those decisions are aimed at harming yourself and no one else. But, when you utter certain words and to say bad things to other people , it is your decision to harm other people which is by far worse than anything you can do to yourself. The human soul is so delicate that only one single word said with hate can completely destroy its basis.
And this is exactly what happened to me in the last years. People that used to trust or just welcome in my house and help turned against me and throw up lashon hara just because it was easier than check directly facts with the target of those slanders. Bad for them, I have my conscience clean that I helped someone in need, but still, words hurt. People that are so corrupt that you can hardly imagine, turned against because it is better always to pretend having someone against someone who knows your real value. Bad for them, they only add more deceit to an already mountain of disappointment. And there were also those who were so sour against life that just being ugly did not cost them a dime.
I'm long healed for all of them, but the scars are still there. The scars of realizing that in the end, for my own psychological sanity, I need to start treating them with the same condescendence and even harshness as anyone else. I was not ready for this and the decision was hurtful, but had to. Living the galut in the middle of your own people is painful.
After all, the fact that we are not better than the others leave a lot of room for improvement. Open the doors for recognizing the humble humanity and kindness of any human, regardless the background received by birth.
In a very condescending way, I am terribly sorry for those people that were unable to understand kindness and chose to attack. They might have their hurtful histories they are trying to fight against. Meeting them up was a deceiving experience but was all for the good. I am surrounded by the people I chose to have around me based on their good midot and not the Gd they pray, based on their humanity, humility and intelligence. I keep being myself, being proud of my education and background but very careful with embracing my fellows only because we share the same group stigma.
The Temple was destroyed and we were left on ourselves. Left to build our homes of peace and our souls clean. By far, most difficult than putting together stone with stone.
This Tisha b'Av means more than ever a milestone. A milestone of me being finally able to fulfill my spiritual and human potential, freed from the mental overload and human toxicity that only broke my heart and my faith. I was able to move forward beautifully and I happy to embark on this journey.
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