Book Review: The Book of Separation

When the Jewish divorce is pronounced, the Biblical term for the get document given to the woman is sefer kritut, in translation, the book of termination or the book of separation. In her memoir, Tova Mirvis retraces her journey from the moment when her separation process started - not only from her husband, but from her Orthodox life - until she climbs her own mountain and tries to set up her free life, the original version of herself. 'After years if trying to silence the voice inside her that she did not agree, did not fit in, did not believe, she strikes out on her own, to discover what she does believe and who she really is'. 

I've previously read and reviewed another book by Tova Mirvis and liked both the approach and the writing. Her memoir to be released in a couple of months, flows beautifully, streaming through the various tensed and even anxious life moments, while trying to put herself and the scattered fragments of her life together. 

After 17 years of marriage and three children, the lines between herself and the community, the path of the tradition and her own path are blurred and where other could easily find comfort and peace she is tormented by questions. Her incessant questioning marks her progressive taking off, starting from getting away from the community pressure - 'we were taught, we were told, we were watched' -, following her voice as a writer, ending up her own struggles with observance and reconciling her old and new ways with her new situation as a divorced woman partly in charge with the education of her children, with a father remaining Orthodox. 

Sometimes, making choices is much easier although painful and difficult, than being accepted for what your choices made of you. 

I loved everything about this book, but especially the honesty and the genuine way she opens her heart. Is that kind of book that I would not have anything against reading twice.

Rating: 5 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Book Review: Ladies Auxiliary, by Tova Mirvis

Before reading this book I didn't have any idea about how it is to be Jew in Memphis. Now, I have the impression that it is similar to any other remote areas - from the point of view of the symbolical center of New York City: women are always busy with the kids and the preparations for Shabbos or the high holidays, praying or working men are almost absent and very tired, children are trying to challenge the rules. Traditional islands in the middle of the modern world, a world not always understood or accepted.

Batsheva - whose name means "daughter of oath" - and his daughter Ayala are moving to Memphis. She is a convert whose late man - we supposed they were married - Benjamin is originally from here. Shortly after they are starting their new life, the ladies are mobilizing to find any single detail of their life and only the conciliatory and wise Rebbetzin Mimi could stop their unstoppable curiosity and gossips (various stages of lashon hara). Trying to be friendly at the beginning, they are offering to Batsheva the opportunity to teach arts at the girls school and she is doing her job very well, becoming a confessor for the rebel girls. But as the tensions are arising between the girls and their mothers - the men, husbands and fathers are rarely present or involved in the action of the book - including the departure of one of the girls, Shira, with a Gentile man, Batsheva is considered the scape-goat and the funding for her class is cut. We have also the shadows of a love story, between Yossef, the rabbi's only son who decided to leave yeshiva and Batsheva, another matter of conversation and worries for the ladies.

All the characters from the book are very well portrayed and we can easily represent them in the real world. Actually, I was almost (not fully, because I don't like this type of activities) laughing when reading about the underground surveillance of Batsheva's move by the vigilant ladies: I saw often such guardians of the faith. Batsheva is very open (close to naivety) and doesn't want to hide nothing from her past: she used to be a rebel, had sex at 14, got a tattoo. Had a revelation that her place is in Judaism and while following her path met Benjamin. She wanted to offer her daughter, Ayala, a Jewish past, but in comparison with the ladies from Memphis, the traditions she is offering to her daughter are freshly interpreted. This is not the routine of repeating over and over again - too mechanically sometimes - what she was taught in the family, but offering a new light of the old tradition.

Whoever grieves the convert transgresses three prohibitions (Baba Metzia 59b and Rambam, Hilchot Deot 6:4) and we are commanded several times to accept the convert but in reality there are situations when the community is overreacting because of too much observance of every step and move of the convert. Either she/he is too strict or too relaxed, there it might be never enough. But I am convinced that if the person made the choice of Judaism for the beauty of the religion and thinking will not stop being a Jew: there are always challenges and pressures and if your faith is strong enough, you go further, whatever the circumstances

Often, we focus too much on cooking dozen of dishes for Shabbos or high holidays, the size of the skirt and the set up of the hair-cover but omit to teach our children the joy of praying or the living sense of the tradition. The choice might be difficult and we need to keep some limits of the innovation, but a fresh air should be let enter our spirituality rooms. And the whole discussion in the book made me think over and over again about something I've recently approached with my yeshiva acquaintances: you don't have to hide from modernity and civilization, but to make the good choices on the basis of halachic options. We should dare to talk and address issues and continue discussing. Our minds need the fresh air of thinking.

The book is entertaining and a bit mysterious: the story is told by supposedly a woman, part of the "we" group of surveillance and vigilance. The explanation in the text of various holidays and traditions was a bit uninspired and partially stereotypical, but it's enough action for easily going beyond those death paragraphs.

I fully recommend this book for Shabbos or as a choice for a Jewish women book club. You will have a lot of food for thought.

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"The Observant Reader"

While preparing an extensive list of book for the next days, I stumbled upon an interesting dispute - 5-year old, but still actual, I think - regarding the reflection of Orthodox Judaism in some literary works.

Long time ago, I had a discussion about a haredi friend about avoiding movies and books most likely to produce negative feelings. I was the one to pledge that I could take the risk of such effects for the sake of the curiosity of discovering the world of the imagination. We didn't address the issue from the perspective of bitul Torah, but simply from the point of view of the content of such works. We are faced daily with yezer hara including when we look in our own mirror but we don't have to accuse arts but most likely our weaknesses and incoherent thinking. Sometimes, going out in the street could be a more resourceful inspiration for evil inclinations than a book that we know it's the product of the imagination. Anyway, this is a completely different discussion about right and wrong and how do we build our resources for fighting and countering the evil around us and within ourselves.

In general, I am open to discussions about reasons and explanations and coherent arguments, "pros" and "cons" included. What I am not sympathetic to - at all - is the lecturing tone about what "we" should do or not, simply because "they knew how it is to be on the other side and had the revelation of the one and only way to be". What do you want, to turn me to a standard person made according to your secrets wishes for yourself? No way! What I love to see around are the differences: more or less observant - for an enormous amount of reasons - happy or sad, smart or less smart, curious or lazy, wise or a little bit crazy. When you are coming a little bit later on the scenery you would be shocked, but I am sorry to disappoint you, it was always like this. Relax, take a book and think a bit more about human behavior. I loved a lot Tova Mirvis'answer: "Oh, and as for my own sheitel? Sorry, Wendy. Only my hairdresser knows for sure".